Dear dogs and cat,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, not do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine and feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's rear. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
1.) They live here. You don't.
2.) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"-niture.
3.) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people, (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
The note was signed,
Love, Mom
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8 comments:
Yep, we agree with all of that! The bit about dogs curling up to sleep - not in our house! Have you any idea how long a basset can become when stretched right across your king sixe bed!
Our mum also prefers us to most people!!!!
That was one long note your Mommy wrote you, BOL! Yeah I stretch out on the bed too, I don't care. My Mommy would put that note on the door to! You know she got into a bad fight with her father in law when she told him she was buying me Christmas presents. He thought that was stupid, so she said she thinks he's stupid for not buying his dog Christmas presents! They don't get along much!
Hugs & Snugs
Eduardo the Snuggle Puggle
Oh I agree completely with the rules for guests (but those other doggie rules confused me).
We would need to add, "Dog Slobber is not made of acid or other toxic substances. It does come out in the wash and is certainly less gross than some of the stuff I've seen come out of your kids."
Yes the rules for the guest are awesome. I should post that on my door!! But those other things you typed, I could not really tell what you were getting at. A little confused here. =)
We iz liking yur note! Mommee reelee likes da parrt fur da guests. Can she maybee borrow it?
Wuv,
Gus and Waldo
Now that is one truesome note! My mom loves it so much she would like to print it out and post it on her BEDROOM door! Verrry funny stuff - your momma writes great stuff. Luckky for my peeps, I don't sleep on their bed, but the foul catt does and I hate her for it!
Licks,
Sammie
OMD this note is so funny! Doesn't your mom know that she can get a CALIFORNIA king sized bed?? DUH! We are glad you found us and we're totally friends now right???
-Sophie Dixie and Harley
I bark at you, Pleeeease don't let my "master" see that note.
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